4th February 2002
Yes Comrades, I, Josef Stalin, Man of Steel, have finally made it back to update my wonderful and proletariat friendly site. As you may be wondering about my absence for the past 2 months or so, I will just say that I have been wintering in the company of my good comrade Fidel Castro. Cuba is a fine country with good rum, great cigars and many beautiful women but it has lousy fucking net access. So I chose to spend my time pissed out of my skull under a tree with a gorgeous woman in each arm. It's a living.
Now, let's get to the good stuff, the thing that brings you all back time and again: My Advice to my Fans and Comrades.
Dear Uncle Joe,
Will you please pay off my overdraft and help to defeat the
capitalist
pig-dog bankers who wish to destroy my life?
- Rob
Dear 'Rob', aka 'Robert Sang', aka 'Tarik Jax',
Pay off your own overdraft, you fat scottish cunt. All the time I hear "Stalin, do this" and "Stalin, do that" from people who suffer because of their own stupidity. I, Josef Stalin, Man of Steel, did not make you take this 'overdraft'. You chose to deal with the scum bankers and usurers and now you have to pay the price. If you had, at an earlier stage, written and asked for ways to gain money in non-exploitative ways that would leave you free of capitalist entanglements I would have gladly helped you, but no, you had to do business with them and now you expect Stalin to save you. As it is Comrade "Rob", your actions have only served to further the goals of the capitalist scum you feel a victim of. May you drown in your own filth.
Dear Uncle Josef,
I currently sport a goatee beard but have previously worn the "full
face fuzz", the clean shaven and the rather 80's designer stubble. I
have not yet attempted a moustache, but was wondering which is the
preferred communist look in your opinion. I am a little wary of the
"Village People" factor should I choose the latter, but yours deftly
avoids this and at the same time demands respect. I also feel it
pertinent to point out that I doubt I could match your own moustache
in either density or comb-ability.
Yours,
Joseph Birjoo
(East Hull Communist Faction leader).
Dear Comrade Joseph,
You should be ashamed of fearing the "Village People" factor. You can't stop the music. Nobody can STOP the Music. Not even I, Josef Stalin, Man of Steel, although I tried several times. The Butch Leatherboy's moustache was truly a thing of beauty, so full bodied and virile, much like my own moustache. What many people do not know is that during the Village People's 1979 World Tour I filled in for several shows. There were many rumours flying at the time that something amiss was up with "the Biker one" but let me assure you, he was in fine health the entire tour. I filled in for "the Black Guy in Uniform". It was a challenge to impersonate him but the results were seemless and today it still remains one of the music industry's best kept open secrets.
Also, Comrade, you should be commended for your attention to facial hair. It is a facet that so many of the world's current leaders have sadly neglected. As for Communist preferences, it is more a matter of personal taste than style. Just remember it must be full bodied and well groomed. That shitfuck Hitler always looked like he missed a spot under his nose instead of having a real moustache and look how he ended up. I still have his brain in jar in my office. With times being as they are and so on, I do not think you could go wrong with a Van Dyke beard.
Dear Uncle Joe,
I am a 26 year-old Christian marrying a woman who did not grow up
with
religion. Sometimes she attends church with me, but I do not know
how we
will resolve the issue of religion in our household. We live in the
MidWest--very similar to your Ukraine--where religion is prevalent.
What
should I do? I am nowhere near the level you and Superman are at. I
definitely am not a man of steel. But I do have a good heart and am
looking
for the best solution. Take care and God Bless
--Confused in Chicago
Dear Comrade 'Confused',
As Karl Marx himself once said, "Opium is the religion of the masses," and I think there's something in that for all of us. He may have also said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" too, but I think that's far less relevent to these times. Besides, Marx was a Millwall fan, which in itself is suspect as all true Communists are devoted heart and soul to Tottenham Hotspur.
As for your situation, why are you marrying a woman who you are not sure you can resolve religious issues with? Are you stupid? A control freak? Both? My time as Undisputed Leader of the Glorious Soviet Union, I tried many times to surpress the Church and although on the surface it worked, it never really did. The moral: Don't fuck with religion. Do not expect this young woman to embrace the Church any sooner than you would leave it. Still, if you and her are in love and happy together, I suggest you not worry about religion and let her spend her sundays in whatever way she chooses.
As for your comments re: US Mid-West and Ukraine, there are 2 very important differences:
1) the Ukraine is more mountainous
2) I have yet to kill several million people in the Mid-West.
Dear Mr Stalin, I have borderline personality disorder but don't wish
to stop
caning drugs and riding my motorbike at over 100mph. Can you advise
me on
what medication I should take?
Regards
Christian Evans
xxx
Dear Comrade Evans,
I would strongly recommend a 9mm Makarov bullet delivered via the roof of the mouth directly into the brain. You moron.
What are your personal views on Trotsky?
Were you good freinds?
Dear Comrade Who-Ever-The-Fuck-You-Are,
Leonid Trotsky was a cunt. I had him killed with an ice pick in Mexico City where the cowardly little fuck thought he could hide from me.
We were never friends. Lovers, yes, but never friends. Lenin feared our blossoming love and turned my Darling Leonid against me, the treacherous whore. Some nights I lay awake and I can almost feel his tender kisses on my skin and then I remember the cruel smile he had when he told me that Lenin had named him to be his successor. The hurt, the rage, the pain and anger flood out in a barrage of fury that makes even his death but a small slave. At the heart of it all is the shattered dream that while I ran the Soviet Union he would run a small antiques store and together we would be happy, a thing never to be.
Well i see you idiots having a great time making Stalin looking like
an idiot?well i really hate people do that!
Well my dear Josef Stalin...why did you leave you hopes and dreams
just to see that the capitalistic pigs crushed your empire?
One day USSR will rise up again,and then all you capitalists will
feel the power of communism!!!
Never underestimate your enemy!Right Stalin???
Angry Communist.
Dear Comrade 'Angry',
I, Josef Stalin, Man of Steel, can understand being angry. I get angry a lot. Yesterday I had the groundskeeper shot for turning the sprinklers on too early and getting my newspaper all wet. I had to wait for it to dry before doing the crossword. Indeed, I was very angry.
What concerns me, Comrade, is why you are angry at me, Josef Stalin, Man of Steel. Did I not, during my time as Premier build the USSR into a world class superpower? Did I not defend the Motherland from the depredations of the fascists? Did I not also stand up to the American Pig Dog Capitalists and their "Noo-Clayer Bow-um"?
I puzzled over this and your seeming claims that I am a capitalist and should fear a return of the Soviet Union. No one except the former Soviet nations fear a return of the glorious Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. The USA would love for there to be a USSR again, we gave them focus and drive. We gave them an 'Enemy' worth having, not some rag arsed bunch of terrorists who have nothing to lose.
After rereading your email several times, I finally discovered what I believe to be the reason you are so angry. If my parents had named my Oddvar I too would be extremely pissed off, but Comrade, I am not the one who branded you so cruelly. Rage and rebel if you must, but focus your energies against those who so gravely injured you and your self-image.
